


Oldest, not strongest.

by iStayKid



Series: NCT Short Stories [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Mentioned NCT Dream Ensemble, Mentioned WayV Ensemble, NCT 127 Ensemble-centric, Taeil-centric, not really that angsty, taeil deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:47:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24403795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iStayKid/pseuds/iStayKid
Summary: Sometimes Taeil wishes he wasn’t the oldest, didn’t need to act like he was the strongest. And today, was one of those times. Today Taeil felt like he shouldn’t be here.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Moon Taeil, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Moon Taeil, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Moon Taeil, Kim Jungwoo/Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Lee Taeyong/Moon Taeil, Mark Lee/Moon Taeil, Moon Taeil/Everyone, Moon Taeil/Nakamoto Yuta, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: NCT Short Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762273
Comments: 6
Kudos: 224





	Oldest, not strongest.

Being the oldest is fun, most of the time. You have a bunch of loving dongsaengs that respect you. People that look up to you and ask you for advice. People that won't question you, just because you're the oldest and anything you say sounds 'pretty legit'. Yes. Being the oldest is fun- maybe excluding yaja time- but right now it sucked.

Right now, Taeil wished someone older than him would be in NCT too. 

Someone that would give him a reassuring hug and advice about things Taeil still didn't know a lot about.

Right now, Taeil wished that he could've been one of the youngest members in the group.

Like Donghyuck, having many protective and caring hyungs that would let him hug and kiss them, without a complaint. Always being so patient and loving. 

Or better, Jisung. Their baby, who grew up right in front of their eyes. Every time he was in the same room as them, no one could stop the proudness from showing on their faces. Or the fond praises that would spill from their lips whenever Jisung merely breathed. 

Maybe even Yang Yang. Who's teasing was received with loud laughter and a soft slap. Who's elders acted childish, until he needed them. Until they needed to become someone their maknae could rely on. 

Right now, Taeil wishes he didn't have to be the wise one for once. The one that should 'know better'. The one that's considered most experienced. The most strongest. Because Taeil felt like he wasn't any of that.

Right now, Taeil was fragile. Balancing between giving up or pushing himself even further than he already was. Either way, he would fall over the edge. Found tumbling down darkness, that would engulf his entire body. The stress gnawing at his mind and the exhaustion making his body weak. 

Taeil was on the verge of breaking, he had never felt so hopeless before.

Sure, there were times that were less fun than others. 

Maybe when Taeyong came into his room, crying and shaking. Eventually explaining that there were rumors and that he felt so helpless.

Or when Donghyuck broke his shinbone and the energy kind of got drained out of them all. 

But he hadn't expected his mood to sink so suddenly, so quickly, so deeply.

Taeil knew he wasn't as popular as Mark or Taeyong. 

He knew he didn't have such a big fandom as Lucas or Ten.

He knew and yes, that kind of bothered him from time to time. But it wasn't THAT bad. I mean, he debuted with people he sees as family. He can sing and dance on stage, go on shows and do the things he love. 

So why does he feel like not doing any of that, in stead just sitting on this park bench? Covered up by a mask and a cap, wondering if they maybe wouldn't even notice him without. 

He was hurting, the music industry was unfair. He had known that since the very beginning. He had known that when he watched Yuta, Johnny and Sicheng look at their 'lines' with disappointment, as guilt seemed to eat Taeyong and Mark up from the inside. He had known that and he had told them. Asked them to be patient and wait until the day they would finally get to shine even more. 

Taeil was wondering when that day would come for him.

Okay, he knew he did get lucky with getting to have a collaboration with other artists, or being able to drop some covers. 

He was happy that his vocals stood out during his high notes and people seemed to love his personality.

He was happy and so incredibly lucky, but that didn't mean he didn't feel like shit. Like he wasn't worthy enough to be here. Like he shouldn't be here. Because it seemed like no one cared or was interested in anything he did. 

The insecurities he had pushed away such a long time ago, started to surface again. And this time it was much worse than others. 

Taeil looked at the sky, squinting as the sun shone brightly. 

He felt guilty, to say the least. Here he was, being emotional while there were still trainees- and idols in general- working their butts off to receive some attention and support.

NCT was big and popular.

But as their popularity rises, hate comes with. 

Donghyuck had come to him to talk about the people that were insulting Jaemin.

Jaehyun had come to him to talk about the fact that people were blaming and accusing him. 

Everyone had come to him at some point, wanting to talk about hate and how to deal with it. 

And never had he ever gone to any of them. 

He was the oldest.

He should be strong.

He could get through this on his own.

It did not matter as long as his younger brothers were safe.

He did not matter..

Did he?

The chain of thoughts got interrupted by the buzzing of his phone, Taeil frowned and grabbed the gadget, looking at the ID. 

It was Yuta.

Of course it was Yuta, Taeil smiled. Everyone always thought Yuta and he were in some sort of war, to get Sicheng's attention. In some way it was true, but the rumor that they disliked or even hated each other? That was very, very fake. 'Bullshit', was what Taeil had stated when Yuta voiced out his concerns, 'we both know how much we care about each other, if people choose to not see that, then it's their choice.' 

Yuta, someone Taeil had wanted to talk to about his worries. But he didn't want to bother the younger man, even though Yuta always said that he would listen to anything he had to say.

The buzzing suddenly stopped and Taeil realized he had forgotten to pick up the phone. 

Soon after a voicemail followed. No one used voicemail anymore, no one but Yuta.

"Hyung where are you?", the worried tone of Yuta was the first thing Taeil heard and he felt his heart warm up slightly. He cared. Yuta cared. 

"We are all so worried about you, are you safe? We-", soft murmuring was heard and then Yuta's voice again, "Taeyong asks if you've eaten or drank today? Please come home hyung, we miss you."

Wait...

They all cared. 

Tears blocked his vision as he choked out a strained sob, they all cared about him. No matter the age difference. No matter the fact that he was he oldest and should be the strongest. 

No.. 

Taeil realized. He did not have to act strong all the time, not around them. Not around the people that could read him like a book, see through him as if he were made out of glass. He could tell them everything, just as much as how they could tell him everything.

Home.

Taeil wanted to go home. 

He stumbled away from the park and made his way towards the dorms, barely paying attention to his surroundings. 

How had he not noticed earlier that they never needed him to be the strong one for always? 

Soon enough he reached the front door of their shared place and knocked softly. 

The door opened and within a second, he was pressed into a tight hug. A frantic looking Mark and Donghyuck had fled towards him as soon as they caught sight of him. 

"Hyungie", Donghyuck choked out, rubbing his face into Taeil's chest. 

And the older didn't bother to wipe away his own tears, neither did he try to fake a smile. 

Not this time. 

As he looked up from the two boys, he immediately made eye contact with Johnny's warm brown eyes. The male smiled fondly at him, slowly approaching the three to wrap his arms around the oldest too.

A pat on his head made him look up and there stood Jaehyun and Yuta, a look of relieve on their faces. He nodded at them, letting them know that he was okay. 

He was okay.

A peck was placed on the crown of his head, Jungwoo, Taeil realized. 

And soon a warm back hug caught his attention, Doyoung. 

The voice of Taeyong gushing about how much they loved him and how worried they were filled the room. 

Sicheng sadly was in the WayV dorms, but even if he missed the younger, he could always call him. Taeil felt bad for not doing so earlier, but he would do it later. 

Now, Taeil was surrounded by his family, his home.

He knew that he would be okay.

No matter the circumstances, the ups and the downs. He was willing to face them all, with all of his dongsaengs by his side.

This time he could hold their hand as the storm passed by, instead of them holding onto his. 

This time Taeil let himself fall into the darkness, only to be catched by the light that was his family.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first story! I wrote this very quickly, so it’s kind of messy. I hope especially moonis enjoyed the story! My apologies for grammar mistakes, English is not my native language. Have a great day/night ! <33


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